Today.

Today is a very special day in our family.

Monday, June 9, 2014.

Why is this such a special day you ask?

Because today I found out I am pregnant.

[At least that is what 2 tests and this dumb morning sickness are telling me.]

My first thoughts were excitement. "How am I going to tell Ryan?" "Why can't I stop smiling?" "I want to cry I'm so happy!" "I thought it would take longer than this to get pregnant." "I hope it's twins?!" 

Then my thoughts turned another direction. "Holy smokes that was fast!" "How in the world am I going to take care of a baby?!" "I hate this sickness thing!" "I want to cry." "Am I depressed? I should be happy!" "What if it's twins?!"

Now it's 1:15AM on June 10th and I can't sleep. My brain will not shut off for more than a few minutes at a time.

 

BABY ALSOP:

About 1 or 2 months ago Ryan and I started talking about "trying" for a baby. We finally worked up the courage in the middle of May to jump all in. (you can see where this is going) I have talked to a few different people and it took them a few months to get pregnant. Some 5, some 6, some 1 year, some 8 years. I definitely had more than a few weeks to prepare myself.

Right guys? Guys?

Last Thursday, I woke up with stomach pain. I fought every urge to up-chuck. Since I HATE throwing up with all my being. Luckily, I held it back all morning. I wasn't surprised since Ryan had woken up a few nights earlier vomiting. I was hoping his was just food poisoning, but it must have been the flu and I had caught the bug. It was accompanied by a little annoying head ache that would not go away. Nothing sounded good to eat for breakfast. Nothing sounded good for lunch. Nothing sounded good for dinner. (I know, I am a horrible mother-to-be) I don't know how much I even ate that day, very little.

Friday, same thing. Waking up, sick. Headache... Stomach.... More sleep... Food is disgusting...

Saturday: Same thing.

Sunday: can you guess? yup. same exact thing...

Monday: SAME!

Maybe I have something other than the flu. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe Food really is yucky lately. Maybe my dog needs a bath and it's the smell. Maybe it's the dishes in my sink or the garbage that smells like puke, making me want to puke. Or maybe... Just maybe...

After step class [BTW: which was sooo hard to keep up without wanting to die from exhaustion. It's the beginning class :/ ] I did it. I broke down. Bought a pregnancy test and came home. Ryan was at work. I got into the bathroom to awkwardly pee on a little stick. Sat down. And.... Nothing!!! Can you believe it?! Stage Fright!!! I couldn't squeeze even the tiniest drop out!

I felt like Juno, jetting to the fridge and pouring myself a HUGE glass of water. Chugg-a-lug! I drank as much as I could. "Just relax" I kept telling myself. It will come. And when it does, I will be ready!

A half hour later, I ran into the bathroom, peed like I have never peed before, and almost instantly a little faint plus sign showed up on the stick. "Let it sit sideways, with the cap on for 2 minutes for final results" the instructions say. Maybe it will change back and forth, I better wait to be sure.

After 2 minutes: I better take another one, just to be sure... same answer. 99% right. 

 Like I said, I was so excited at first. Now, I'm just terrified out of my mind with worries and thoughts like "What if I suck as a parent?" "What happens when I go back to work and feel like poop?" "What if I miscarry?" "What if I can't be that adorable mom that all the other kids have?" "What if I discipline too much and don't give enough hugs?" "What if I give too many hugs and don't discipline enough and my child turns out a bum?" What if, what if, what if???

I wish I could end this with a great story of rebirth

 [ no pun intended ]

A story that by the end of writing this, all my fears disappear and I finally realize, you can't get caught up in the "what if's" in life. You have to roll with the punches and that I can't wait for this bundle of joy to be here to show me the meaning of true love at first sight.

... Unfortunately I can't. I'm still terrified, still have a lot of worries, still have no idea how I'm ever going to sleep again.

Awesome fact: This weekend at a yard sale, I found a pack and play for $10. (I had no idea, but for 10 bucks, I'll store it as long as I need) Great condition, and pink.... So... hope I have a girl or it might just have to stay at grandma's house so we don't have to pack it.